Have you ever asked yourself what healthy boundaries actually are? And what differentiates them from unhealthy ones? I’m here today to answer this question and give examples of healthy versus unhealthy boundaries. Sounds interesting? Good. Let’s dive into it.
Healthy boundaries are balanced boundaries. That means you don’t set rigid boundaries with no exceptions to your rules, but you also don’t have boundaries at all or set them initially and let them crumble away by the first minimal attempt of someone crossing them. Sounds complicated? Let me make it easier to digest.
Healthy boundaries are determined by your personal values, core beliefs, and priorities. Some people might find honesty not so important, so they are fine stretching the truth to accommodate current circumstances. But if honesty is essential for you, you will not be okay with being faced with a stretched truth; instead, this might hurt your feelings. Both ways are okay if you and the other person are on the same page. And that leads me to the second thing about boundaries: they are a set of rules to which we agree so that we encounter a relationship that benefits both of us – you and me (or whoever is in community with you). Boundaries are like traffic lights. We all agreed to stop when they were red so nobody would get hurt in traffic and everyone would have a fair chance to move forward.
Boundaries are like the rules of the game. They differ from one context to another. Football has a different set of rules than poker has. But what all boundaries have in common is that they create a safe ground.
Healthy boundaries are balanced and aligned with your values and priorities. If you value honesty, you want the plain truth and nothing but the truth. If spending enough time with your children is your top priority, working more and more hours to make more and more money will be prioritized below time with your kids.
We feel challenged in setting boundaries when we can’t adapt to current circumstances. Let me give you an example. You might have the rule that you don’t lend money to friends because you don’t want to mix both. Fine. Now imagine you’re meeting your best friend (who has always been reliable) in a restaurant, and she forgot her purse. Your rule is not to lend money to friends. But in this scenario, you might consider helping a friend and lending money nonetheless. This is what I mean by balanced boundaries. Depending on the circumstances, you can assess the situation and decide accordingly.
The next thing is, if your boss makes you work over hours and you don’t have enough time to spend with your kids, you might experience a set of uncomfortable emotions showing you that you go against your core values (family over work) and act against your priorities (more time with the kids instead of more money or a promotion). These emotions might be resentment, anger, exhaustion or even depression if your boundaries are constantly crossed. These emotions show that you go against your own rules by making you feel slightly or highly uncomfortable.
Let me summarize it all: Healthy boundaries are balanced, and you set them according to circumstances. They are aligned with your values and priorities.
What happens when you don’t have healthy boundaries? Stay tuned. I’ll give you 12 examples of what happens if you don’t set healthy boundaries next week. If you want them to be delivered directly to your inbox, join my newsletter by clicking this link.
Do you want to start setting healthy boundaries and feel good doing so? Get my free checklist, “8 Steps to Healthy Boundaries,” and let me guide you through the steps you need to take to set aligned and respected boundaries while feeling good about setting them.
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